Therapy

Posted September 20, 2010

Sorry about that!  Things have been crazy here on the homefront and I won't lie, we did kind of lose momentum there for a bit but I'll pick back up where I left off.

As we have said things between Sheri and I started off rocky to say the least.  The first year of our relationship we had our ups and downs.  I do believe that camping was probably the best part of our first few months together. 

When the holidays roll around I think it stirs up some negative memories for Sheri and I which is why we argue.  We were celebrating our first anniversary on Jan 12th, 2008 and we had been fighting for weeks at that point.  We had made reservations at one of our favorite Hibachi Restaurants, Kiku, and we were text fighting the entire time I was driving up to meet her.  That night we sat at a table instead of a Hibachi grill to give ourselves a little more privacy to exchange gifts.  I sat across from her, not speaking, with tears in my eyes. 

"I want to go to therapy," I managed to choke out.

When I looked up at her I saw her icy glare starting to melt.

"I can't keep doing this.  I can't keep fighting the same fight with you.  We have problems that we can't ignore, we can't brush them under the rug.  They need to be addressed." I said more forcefully.  "I don't see how we can last if we don't get help."

She shrugged her shoulders and sighed.  "Whatever you want."

After that night I started looking for therapists in our area.  She was working at Home Depot about 15 minutes away from me so I wanted to find someone local where we could go for sessions after work.  I found one therapist and emailed her, debriefing her on our stituation.  She emailed me back nearly immediately saying that she was also working with another gay couple with a significant age difference and she would be delighted to be our therapist.

I saw this as promissing-finally we can make some headway and start patching up the gaping holes in our relationship.  I wanted to learn how to communicate more effectivaly, how we could build trust in one another because even a year later there was little to no trust in our relationship.  I excitedly told Sheri that I found someone and she said to go ahead and make an appointment.

We were nervous when we first went.  I had never been to a therapist before but I knew that we needed a mediator.  One night after work I met up with Sheri, we had dinner, and we drove to our appointment.  We walked in to what seemed to be a nearly deserted office building and found the waiting room to sit down.  It was dark, half the lights were off and we were thinking, Is this even the right place?  A petite woman came bustling through the door after about 10 minutes and apologized for being late and ushered us into her office.

We sat on an oversized leather chair, on opposite ends, and filled out a brief questionnaire.  She got to know us a bit, we told her our story and she listened, taking down notes.  And then she asked "So what brings you here today?"

I unloaded about The Girl from Henrietta's. I had an outpouring of verbal diarrhea talking about how much I loathed this girl and how Sheri continued to hold her over my head to keep me in line.  How I felt she was trying to control me and if I didn't fit perfectly into the box she wanted me in we'd fight.  I don't think the therapist was expecting such an onslaught of words and emotions and said "Well I did want to start off slow but since we're diving right in..."

I realized that Sheri and I had been placing a lot of blame on one another and not taking responsibility.  We were in a constant battle of "Well she did this so you need to side with me" with our friends and basically anyone who would listen. We were masters of the Blame Game and wanted everyone on our side.  We talked about how I wanted to go out with my friends without it being an epic battle and Sheri said "Well I'll allow you to go out twice a month." 

I do believe my jaw hit the floor when she said "allow".  Like -who do you think you are, my parent? She also wanted me to ask permission to go out.  The therapist asked if Sheri was ever invited to go out with me and my friends.  I said of course she was invited but I know that she would never want to because she hated all of them plus the bars I went to are geared towards college aged kids-which I was at the time.  I was only 24 and had just graduated college less than a year prior.

At the end of the hour she said she definately thought we needed to continue therapy to learn how to speak to each other instead of at each other, how to learn how to trust one another and build a solid foundation for our relationship since the one we were on was shaky at best.  I walked away feeling hopeful, Sheri walked away feeling downtrodden. 

I tried to schedule follow up appointments after that first meeting.  Sheri was constantly "busy" or said "I can't justify spending so much time away from my children for work and then adding therapy on top of that."  After a few weeks of me asking to go back I finally got it out of her that she was scared of therapy.  She was scared that the therapist would convince me that I shouldn't be with Sheri and that I'd realize what a mistake I was making and that I'd leave.

Needless to say we didn't go back.  We have worked out a lot of our problems on our own.  We trust one another 100% now, we have gotten better at communicating.  We're still not where I would like us to be.  Me going out can still be a battle but nowhere near what it was.  She was afraid that when I went out with my friends that they were going to try to convince me to leave her, that I was out picking up boys and hooking up with them.  I would tell her "I never have once done that before you so what on earth makes you think I would do that now?" 

We both have the fear of that we'll wake up one day and say "What on earth am I doing here?" and leave. 
I will be honest and say that Sheri and I have had a very rocky past couple of weeks-but even to this day no matter how low or mad we get, or how much I'm sure we'd love to strangle one another...when her hand slips into mine...I know this is where I want to be.  And I'm pretty sure she feels the same way too.