"What should I wear tomorrow?"
This is the nightly statement that we hear from Sheri's youngest, Jillian, who is now eleven and a half. It is becoming glaringly obvious that Jill will be very concerned with her looks, unlike her older sister Hannah who just cares if she's comfortable and warm.
"Do you know why I like to wear my hair up now?" She asked me the other night while she was decorating a wall in her room with cut outs from teen-y magazines. She pointed to one of the cookie-cutter teenage heartthrobs where he stated he used to like girls who wore their hair down but as he got older he likes them to wear their hair up, messy and disheveled.
"Jill," I said, "you can't start wearing your hair or your clothes like the way some random famous boy says he likes it."
"Oh I know, I mean I like it that way too and all the kids at school say I look good with my hair up but really," she points to the picture again, "I put it up because he said he likes it up."
This is what it means to have a Tween girl who is trying to find her identity. When I met Sheri Jillian was only 3 and Hannah was just 10. Hannah (and I love you, child) had a few awkward years growing up. She was heavier and under the strict thumb of her grandmother who dictated what she wore. She didn't start losing weight until late middle school and by then all she cared about was her latest solo in band or the upcoming musical. We never had to worry about her succumbing to peer pressure because she was always above it all with a very solid head on her shoulders and a distinct goal in her sights. Even after she sprouted up to be now taller and thinner than me her physical appearance wasn't a top priority.
Jillian is proving to be more of a wild-child. We kind of always knew she would be because for sisters they couldn't be more different. Where Hannah wore too short jeans with white clunky socks and white sneakers, Jillian wants to wear her skinny jean jeggings tucked into her furry brown boots. Never once did Hannah ever show interest in wearing makeup (and quite often yelling at me for putting all that processed crap on my eyes) whereas Jillian has started to ask if she could wear some.
This topic came up at my family's Thanksgiving where Sheri and the girls were not present. I was speaking idly to my sister about how fast the girls are growing up, what with Hannah a freshman in college and Jillian asking if her mother would allow her to wear makeup. One of my older cousins who has two girls, one a freshman in high school and the other just into elementary school piped up that she saw no harm in letting Jillian wear a little bit of lipgloss and some clear mascara. That way she could feel as though she was putting on makeup but really it doesn't show up at all. For the record both of her daughters wear makeup, the older one wearing eyeliner and mascara at least for the past two years or so, if not maybe three. Lip gloss? Sure. I see no harm in that. But mascara? No. Not at 11. I quickly dismissed my cousin's suggestion of clear mascara and I said "No, absolutely not. There is no reason why an 11 year old should be wearing makeup."
"Oh. Thanks Jen. Thanks for telling me how it should be." She replied shortly. It hadn't occurred to me until after that sentence was out of my mouth that she could interpret as me indirectly stating that I didn't think her children should be wearing makeup. And for the record, no, I don't think they should. The freshman in high school, that's one thing- but my younger cousin is 9....maybe 10.....or did she just turn 9? And I don't know if she allows her to wear make up to school, but either the case may be, and I may be old fashion and to each their own, but I completely agree with Sheri when she says putting makeup on a girl that young is like telling them that they are not pretty enough on their own and they need makeup to make themselves better. We believe it's a total self-esteem killer and a very slippery slope. Honestly, what good is it to tell a child "Oh here's some mascara to put on your eyes, but it won't show up and no one but you will be able to tell, but at least you can feel like you're wearing makeup." That makes zero sense to me. And it may be a stretch but I'd equate clear makeup with marijuana being a "gateway drug". It's a gateway to a young girl saying to themselves "this isn't good enough, I want the real thing."
Some of the girls in Jillian's grade are already wearing a face full of makeup. I'm sorry but I think that's just a poor decision on the parents' part. Why on earth would you let your young child who's only in sixth grade out of the house looking like a miniature street walker?
There's the other side to Jillian though. There's the tomboy in her who we have a difficult time getting to shower, or who just wants to wear sweatpants tucked into her boots to school, and who I actually have to force to put vaseline onto her chapped lips because she refuses to use chapstick. She sat in my car on Sunday on the way home from her father's house licking her lips and making them red around her entire mouth. I offered her my chapstick and she snarled her lip and said "I don't like using that stuff." Later that night she showed me the entire shelf she has of different scented body creams and sprays, a tube of glittery lotion, and all the different lipglosses she has but doesn't use. So while she may be testing the water now on the whole wearing makeup thing, I don't think she's actually ready for it. Which is good for us. More so Sheri - she has already deferred any and all "girly" scenarios to me (clothes shopping, hair, makeup). Of the women I have met in Sheri's family all of them wear very little to absolutely no make-up.
Which brings me to a completely different topic.
I do not live with Sheri yet. I obviously do not have a gigantic say in how the girls are raised and one could probably refer to me as an interloper. I honestly don't know where I stand with Sheri and her children - I know she values my opinion while I'm there and I discipline and reprimand the girls. I've been there to take Jillian to the emergency room when she's been extremely sick, I've been to every play, concert, and school event for both of them. I've helped Jillian with homework and I went to parents' weekend at Hannah's college. She introduces Sheri and me as "her parents". Jillian will go back and forth to calling me her step-mom to almost step-mom and she tries to play Sheri and I together like any child would their parents. If Sheri says no she asks me the same question hoping for a different answer. I feel as though I have had some influence over their lives and I love them so intensely. But I did not bare them, I have not been there since day one to raise them, and I am not part of the day-to-day interactions with them. So at what point do other's consider me a parent? Is it when I move it? Is it when Sheri and I get married? Why is there a stigma against step-parents that compartmentalize us into "not real parents"?
I ask that because my cousin's dismissive tone on Thanksgiving really bothered me. Yes, she could have taken what I was saying as a slight against her parenting skill. It wasn't, in the least. Like I said, it didn't register that she could have taken it personally until after I said it. But to say to me in the tone of what do you know, you're not a parent hurt, because while I am not their birth mother, I'd like to think that on some plane I am a step-mother. So when does my opinion become valid?
