Mother Knows Best

"Keep the phone by you, Jillian might be texting me back," Sheri said while kissing down my belly about her youngest daughter.

We had just, JUST started to try to have sex today.  No sooner after she said that her phone beeped and I looked at the message.  Nan asked me today if you were gay.  She said she saw Jen kiss you the other night.  I said I didn't know and I ran outside the text read from her oldest, Hannah.

I read the message outloud which caused Sheri to stop what she was doing.  "Wait...what?  She asked what?"  

My head started replaying the past few nights events.  I knew exactly what she was talking about too.  When I was saying goodbye to Sheri and our friend Judy at the high school for Hannah's induction into the National Honors Society I had given Judy a kiss on the cheek goodbye.  I saw Renee looking at us and hesitated for a moment before deciding to give Sheri a kiss on the cheek too.  It was as if you were saying hello or goodbye to a friend, that's it.  Renee saw it and somehow that meant I was gay.  But we did kiss again that night.  When walking to the cars we disappeared around the corner of the school and quickly glanced back to make sure she couldn't see us.  We gave each other a quick peck and I was on my way.  We even checked after we kissed to make sure that she didn't see us so I knew that she was referring to me kissing her goodbye on the cheek.
 
She grabbed the phone from my hand and texted Hannah to call her once she got to her friend's house and tell her exactly what happened.  Just a few minutes later her phone rang.  Hannah exlaimed on speaker phone "She asked if Jen was gay!  She said 'She's up here all the time! She should bring home a boy or a girl and leave your mother alone.'  I had no idea how to respond so I just said 'I don't know!' and walked out into the backyard."

After they hung up the phone I struggled not to cry because I just had a flood of emotions from betrayal to frustration.  Betrayal because here was our chance to tell her mother but Sheri said she'd deny or ignore the entire thing.  "I don't know what would be worse, having your mother hate me because she knew or having her hate me because she suspects," I whispered.

"I'd rather just have her suspect," Sheri said.  "It's better that way."

She kissed my tears away and told me not to let what her mother thinks get to me.  She doesn't give a crap what she thinks and neither should I.  "But if affects me," I said.  "She thinks that I'm the one pursuing you.  She thinks that I'm trying to turn you gay.  You should be upset because of what she's saying about me."
"It doesn't matter," she said again.  "She's not worth getting upset over."

I nodded my head yes, acknowledging that I know that.  I dried my eyes and she kissed me.  Then she kissed me again.  And then deeper.  I pushed everything to the back of my head and we ended up having the best sex we've had in a very, VERY, long time.

I had my head in her nook and was completely content when she started moving to get ready to go home.  I sighed and threw my leg over hers and pulled her closer and begged just to lay there like this for a few more minutes.  She kissed the top of my head and wiggled out from under me and started to get dressed.  When she left I stood on my tippy toes to give her a kiss goodbye and I followed shortly to run some errands.

I came home, got into my PJs and started to cook myself dinner while playing the Sims.  She texted me So Renee just asked me.  I never directly answered her but she said she was hoping I wasn't.  And that was that.

She asked you if you or I was gay?  And why didn't you answer directly???

If I was. Because I was so shocked when she asked.  And I don't think she wanted an answer.

I called her and asked exactly what happened.  "I was just standing in the living room talking to Jillian.  She just asked 'Are you gay??'"  I was so taken aback that I asked 'Where is this coming from?' and she said 'From me.  I saw her kiss you the other night.'  I said 'She gave me a kiss on the cheek when she was leaving so I have no idea what you're talking about.'"
I was quiet for about a minute thinking it over.  "I don't think I should come up on Sunday."  Sunday is the day that they celebrate Thanksgiving.  The past 3-4 years I've been up there.

"Let's see what she says.  She hasn't asked me yet if you were coming up.  Maybe this is why." I sighed deeply  "It'll be OK babe," she tried to reassure me.

I know that it's not.  I've been under a magnifying glass all of these years with her mother.  Now I'm going to be under a microscope.  I'm half tempted to either tell her I have a boyfriend to throw her off of my scent....or just one day bust at the seams and do what Sheri cannot do.

Granddaughter

After a long morning of running errands Sheri's and my stomach started to growl around noon as we were leaving K-Mart with presents in tow for my nephew's 1st birthday next week. There is an I-hop across the parking lot from the mall we were in so I suggested that for lunch and got so excited since it's been years since I've eated in an I-hop.

We were seated at a booth and I thought I was sold on pancakes and boysenberry syrup since that's what I always had when I was a little girl. When I was glancing over the menu I saw "Swedish Crepes" with longinberry butter and longinberries. It threw me back to sitting in the booth and my feet swinging since they were too short to touch the ground. My mother was sitting next to me cutting up my pancakes and my Grandmother was spreading the longingberry butter over her crepes.

I ran my finger over the menu and smiled and told Sheri that I was going to get the crepes like Mimi always had. While I was saying that my voice cracked and I felt my eyes well up with tears as I tried to keep my composure in the middle of a very busy restaurant.

"Oh please, please don't start crying," Sheri begged.

I forced a smile and said "I'm not. I just miss her." My lower lip began to quiver and the look of panic washed over Sheri's face. She has no idea how to handle me when I cry.

Our waiter took our order and I kept bouncing up and down in my seat like an excited child that I was in an I-hop and I was about to consume sweet and delicious crepes. I kept saying "No seriously. You have NO idea how excited I am to be here. It's been YEARS!"

Soon after our waiter brought out our plates and sat the crepes down in front of me. They looked and smelled the same as I remembered from some twenty years prior. I dug right in and savored the first few bites and revelled in the fact that they tasted the same too. You know how restaurants change things over the years. They add or get rid of flavors and dishes (like they no longer have boysenberry syrup) but these crepes were exactly how I remembered.

We were talking idley about how I do wish that I had the strength to visit Mimi's grave. I've told Sheri before that I haven't been to her grave since her sister-in-law, my great Aunt Dot, passed away early of 2007. "And now that I live here I'm actually closer to the cemetary," I said as I was taking another savory bite of my brunch.

"Do you want to go today?"

I stopped mid-chew and stared at her for a few seconds. I never thought to ask if she wanted to go, I always thought it'd be a lone venture or something I'd do with my mother who also hasn't been out to the cemetary. It's just still too hard even though she's been gone now for nearly almost 7 years. "Really?" I asked. "You'd want to go with me?"

She shrugged, "yeah, you've been to my father's grave. And I know how much you want to go."

I had to take a few deep breaths and tried to slow my racing heart. I failed epically. I wiped my eyes with my napkin and joked "I think Mimi would have loved you. She may have said to me Oh Jennifer, I just don't understand and would have been praying for my soul at night but I think once she got to know you she would have loved you."

After our breakfast was done I got up and went to the bathroom. When I came back Sheri wasn't sitting at our table and I saw her walking back from the greeter in the front. She had a huge smile on her face and I asked her what was up. "I'll tell you once we get outside," she whispered.

Once we were in the parking lot I asked again "Ok, so what was that all about?"

"You know that elderly woman sitting next to us with the black cap on?"

"Yeah..."

"I paid for her breakfast."

My heart swelled up with such pride when she said that. "You did? I can't believe you did that! That's such a sweet thing to do!" I was exclaiming as we buckled ourselves in. Between the thought of seeing my grandmother's grave and the grand gesture Sheri just made for some little old woman I was freely crying. It was all too much for me.

I typed in the address in the GPS and took a deep breath and looked at her. "You ready?"

"Yup," she said. She patted her coat "I'll keep a hold of your tissues."

Less than 20 minutes later we were pulling into the parking lot of the church were my mother and many of my cousins have gotten married. I parked the car and took a deep breath and looked at her and gave her a shaky smile. "You need the tissues now?" She asked.

"No, I think I'll be alright."

No sooner than closing my car door did I already start to cry. "Oh for Heaven's sake. We haven't even made it through the gate yet!" She joked.

Only a few steps in from the entrance of the cemetary I spotted my grandfather's and grandmother's headstone. It was just too much and I bursted out hysterical crying as I stared down at her name and clutched my hand over my mouth to try to stifle my sobs. "There's nothing even here" I finally choked out.

"Well, it's because no one comes to visit," she said matter-of-factly. And it's true. No one does. For as much as we loved our grandparents not one of us comes to maintain their grave or plant little flowers or leave pumpkins during the fall. I vowed after staring at their blank grave that I was going to change that. She lives on in our hearts and in our memories but we should still come to pay our respects at her final resting place. The thought that no one comes breaks my heart and it would probably break hers too.

While we were there I wanted to search for my great Aunt Dot who also we haven't visited since she was buried in 2007. I couldn't remember specifically where she was buried so Sheri and I split up and covered almost every single inch of that cemetary. I stumbled upon my Uncle's grave who passed away from AIDS contracted from a bad blood transfuion when I was only 12. Today was his birthday.

We were walking around for at least 15 minutes searching for my Aunt Dot. I refused to leave there until I found her, I felt like I was disrespecting her by not visiting her grave. Sheri came to retreive me "You're coming back in a few weeks for Christmas. Come on, I'm cold and I have to pee so unless you want a wet seat...."

I glanced over my shoulder still searching for her headstone as Sheri lead me down the path. I said to the air "I'm sorry Aunt Dot. I'll be back, I promise."

We got back to the apartment where for the rest of the day I was cooking our dinner and just sitting on the couch talking. Normally on Saturdays I can't pry her away from the TV because there are marathons of her favorite car shows and she turns into a lump on my couch for 9 hours straight. But today there was nothing on so we actually kept the TV off and sat on the couch together. I had my legs draped over her and we were talking about everything. I brought up the graves again and said "I've been wanting to go out for a long time now. But when I have a moment I'm either not thinking about it or I don't want to go alone. I want to take better care of them."

"I'll go with you," she said without missing a beat while her finger traced up and down my leg.

"Really?" I asked. I was shocked to say the least. I didn't think she'd want to spend her days off dealing with a crying girlfriend standing at her grandmother's grave.

"Of course. We can go like once a month and take the grave blankets for Christmas and plant little flowers in the spring...." she trailed off.

"They would love that. And they deserve that." I shifted my position so I could give her a soft kiss on her cheek. I rested my head on her shoulder and took a deep, cleansing breath and closed my eyes.