The holidays this year were rough, as they are every year. Sheri and I going back in time and recapping our relationship can be trying. I had a lot of feelings that I had pushed down inside of me, particularly that of guilt and remorse.
Not remorse for ending up with Sheri, but remorse for how our relationship started and how I behaved in the beginning. It was hard going through all of this again, digging through the past and running our fingers over the scars that we inflicted upon one another.
This past Wednesday marked our four year anniversary. I'm amazed sometimes that we've made it this far.
As I stated this holiday season was a difficult one. Sheri hates the holidays and it's a battle every single year. I went into this years with higher expecations for us but it never fails to drag her down and taking me, kicking and screaming, with her.
This past holiday season was my best friend's wedding. It happened to be on NYE. Sheri opted not to go with me and made it known that she was not happy that I was going to be away from her on NYE. I think she feels that I again put my friends before her which trust me, could not have been farther than the truth. She chose to stay home with her children and did tell me if it were any other time that she would have come with me. I have to hold on to that.
This has been my best friend for the past 15 years. There was no way I was missing her wedding regardless of where and when it was. Sheri believed that I should have stayed home and sat on the couch next to her rather than partake in the celebration that was my friend's nuptials. Needless to say I disagreed and arguments and fighting ensued.
See? Even after this long we still don't have it figure out.
The night before I left for upstate NY I tearfully said that this was reminiscent of three years ago when on our one year anniversary I sat in the restaurant clutching our gifts begging to go to couple's therapy. I still stand by the thought that we need it, especially if we continue to have issues. But we talked, and I believe maybe we made baby steps. But that could just be me being hopeful.
Sheri and I are two very different people when it comes to family and friends. I am very much involved with my family and friends. Too much, she would say. "You don't have to be at every single family function."
"I'm aware I don't. I want to be at ever single family function. I, unlike you, enjoy my family."
Same goes for my friends. My friends are my sanity, they are my sounding boards. They know everything and anything about me and we are extremely open and devoted to one another. Sheri, on the other hand, has no real close friends. She internalizes everything and deals with issues on her own, creating a mile wide and high wall between her and anyone who tries to get too close. I believe that I am maybe the only person she has let in as much as she has and even I don't know everything. And with that she also doesn't understand why my friends mean what they do to me.
It's a system failure of communication. A constant struggle of who needs to be right. I beg for balance, harmony, and compromise but the Aries that she is demands she has the control and the power. When we're good we're unstoppable, but when we're bad we're toxic.
After I came home from the wedding Sheri told me she could feel like she could breathe again. Between me being home, the holidays being over, and I believe our talks things have gotten back on track. And let's not forget the sex. Finally after two months of not being intimate we finally were able to connect on that physical level again this past Saturday.
And it was goooooooooood.
I love the feeling of her, the sounds she makes when I first enter her, or when we're both about to climax at the same time. It can erase our problems and make the world fall away.
My hopes for us in this upcoming year is to strengthen our relationship, to be able to communicate more effectively, and to be a powerhouse couple. I want nothing but the best for us. We deserve nothing but the best. I want to continue to move forward and work on our issues, and work out a compromise.
One of the problems that was brought to my attention is that nothing is ever good enough for me. That I'm never happy with what she tries to give me in terms of family functions and events. She says "I don't go to my own family functions, why would I go to yours?"
Well. Because I want you there. Because you're invited. That's my standpoint. You do whatever you can to make the person you love happy, even if it means quietly suffering for a few hours.
However, I would rather she not come to something than sit there with a puss on her face.
I want to work on not pushing her so hard and being thankful and appreciative when I see her make the effort to make me happy. Rather than saying "Well you could have done more." I want to say "Thank you for doing what you did, I know it wasn't your cup of tea." I want to work on if she says she cannot come to a family/friend function that I not pester her to the point of making her want to stick hot pokers in my eyes.
We both still have a lot of work to do on our relationship, but I think mostly on ourselves. I want to be enough for her, to make her want to break down those walls and grow as a person. To change is to grow. And growth is hard, especially when you're a stubborn ram or a "fathead", as she likes to call me.
Let's see where we are in a year from now. I do want to take mention that Sheri has started working in her real estate office and she is over the moon happy. I love living vicariously through her because she sends me pictures of the homes she's in. I can't wait until she has open houses so I can snoop around. I am happy for her that she is doing something she is passionate in and that she loves and that still allows her to be home for her children. I love watching her when she talks about her day. She gets so excited and has the biggest smile on her face and looks like a little kid talking about the A they got on their math test. I hope she knows her accomplishments and how amazing of a job she will do at this.
Like I said, kicking ass and taking names.
Not remorse for ending up with Sheri, but remorse for how our relationship started and how I behaved in the beginning. It was hard going through all of this again, digging through the past and running our fingers over the scars that we inflicted upon one another.
This past Wednesday marked our four year anniversary. I'm amazed sometimes that we've made it this far.
As I stated this holiday season was a difficult one. Sheri hates the holidays and it's a battle every single year. I went into this years with higher expecations for us but it never fails to drag her down and taking me, kicking and screaming, with her.
This past holiday season was my best friend's wedding. It happened to be on NYE. Sheri opted not to go with me and made it known that she was not happy that I was going to be away from her on NYE. I think she feels that I again put my friends before her which trust me, could not have been farther than the truth. She chose to stay home with her children and did tell me if it were any other time that she would have come with me. I have to hold on to that.
This has been my best friend for the past 15 years. There was no way I was missing her wedding regardless of where and when it was. Sheri believed that I should have stayed home and sat on the couch next to her rather than partake in the celebration that was my friend's nuptials. Needless to say I disagreed and arguments and fighting ensued.
See? Even after this long we still don't have it figure out.
The night before I left for upstate NY I tearfully said that this was reminiscent of three years ago when on our one year anniversary I sat in the restaurant clutching our gifts begging to go to couple's therapy. I still stand by the thought that we need it, especially if we continue to have issues. But we talked, and I believe maybe we made baby steps. But that could just be me being hopeful.
Sheri and I are two very different people when it comes to family and friends. I am very much involved with my family and friends. Too much, she would say. "You don't have to be at every single family function."
"I'm aware I don't. I want to be at ever single family function. I, unlike you, enjoy my family."
Same goes for my friends. My friends are my sanity, they are my sounding boards. They know everything and anything about me and we are extremely open and devoted to one another. Sheri, on the other hand, has no real close friends. She internalizes everything and deals with issues on her own, creating a mile wide and high wall between her and anyone who tries to get too close. I believe that I am maybe the only person she has let in as much as she has and even I don't know everything. And with that she also doesn't understand why my friends mean what they do to me.
It's a system failure of communication. A constant struggle of who needs to be right. I beg for balance, harmony, and compromise but the Aries that she is demands she has the control and the power. When we're good we're unstoppable, but when we're bad we're toxic.
After I came home from the wedding Sheri told me she could feel like she could breathe again. Between me being home, the holidays being over, and I believe our talks things have gotten back on track. And let's not forget the sex. Finally after two months of not being intimate we finally were able to connect on that physical level again this past Saturday.
And it was goooooooooood.
I love the feeling of her, the sounds she makes when I first enter her, or when we're both about to climax at the same time. It can erase our problems and make the world fall away.
My hopes for us in this upcoming year is to strengthen our relationship, to be able to communicate more effectively, and to be a powerhouse couple. I want nothing but the best for us. We deserve nothing but the best. I want to continue to move forward and work on our issues, and work out a compromise.
One of the problems that was brought to my attention is that nothing is ever good enough for me. That I'm never happy with what she tries to give me in terms of family functions and events. She says "I don't go to my own family functions, why would I go to yours?"
Well. Because I want you there. Because you're invited. That's my standpoint. You do whatever you can to make the person you love happy, even if it means quietly suffering for a few hours.
However, I would rather she not come to something than sit there with a puss on her face.
I want to work on not pushing her so hard and being thankful and appreciative when I see her make the effort to make me happy. Rather than saying "Well you could have done more." I want to say "Thank you for doing what you did, I know it wasn't your cup of tea." I want to work on if she says she cannot come to a family/friend function that I not pester her to the point of making her want to stick hot pokers in my eyes.
We both still have a lot of work to do on our relationship, but I think mostly on ourselves. I want to be enough for her, to make her want to break down those walls and grow as a person. To change is to grow. And growth is hard, especially when you're a stubborn ram or a "fathead", as she likes to call me.
Let's see where we are in a year from now. I do want to take mention that Sheri has started working in her real estate office and she is over the moon happy. I love living vicariously through her because she sends me pictures of the homes she's in. I can't wait until she has open houses so I can snoop around. I am happy for her that she is doing something she is passionate in and that she loves and that still allows her to be home for her children. I love watching her when she talks about her day. She gets so excited and has the biggest smile on her face and looks like a little kid talking about the A they got on their math test. I hope she knows her accomplishments and how amazing of a job she will do at this.
Like I said, kicking ass and taking names.
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