On July 2nd we received an email at work stating that we
would have the 4th of July off as well as the rest of the week thereafter. At
work on July 3rd our administrative assistant poked her head around the corner
and let us know that we could leave work at 3. Knowing Sheri had off of work
that day I excitedly texted her that maybe I could come up straight from work
and we could do something with the girls. Out of nowhere she snapped at me that
I'm smothering her. That every time I get time off handed to me I want to spend
it with her and that she gets two days a week to take care of the house and
spend time with her children and when I want to see her it makes her want to
scream.
I stared at my phone, dumbfounded that my girlfriend of five and a half years, whom I see once a week for only a few hours, was accusing me of smothering her. Right. So I shouldn't want to spend time with her.
After feeling neglected for quite some time this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I simply said Fine, if you want some alone time take all the time in the world because I'm done. We don't want the same things anymore. You just made it painfully obvious that I want to be with you more than you want to be with me. I also congratulated her for pushing another one away and gaining her independence on Independence Day (she threw her husband out on the 4th of July 8 years prior).
I choked back tears and forced a smile on my face for the rest of the day. I will not tolerate being spoken to like that. I do not deserve it. I did not speak to her for the rest of the day and was looking forward to 5 days off from work where I could truly think about what my next step was. I went home that night and sat on my couch and took note of everything in my apartment that was something she gave me or from somewhere we went (which is about 90%). I was still pretty much in shock at how she blew up at me because I asked if I could see her (the nerve of me). I was watching TV and my phone buzzed and her icon popped up. She said HI. I did not respond. Are we done fighting?
That I responded to. You have a lot of nerve to ask ME if we're done fighting
I stared at my phone, dumbfounded that my girlfriend of five and a half years, whom I see once a week for only a few hours, was accusing me of smothering her. Right. So I shouldn't want to spend time with her.
After feeling neglected for quite some time this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I simply said Fine, if you want some alone time take all the time in the world because I'm done. We don't want the same things anymore. You just made it painfully obvious that I want to be with you more than you want to be with me. I also congratulated her for pushing another one away and gaining her independence on Independence Day (she threw her husband out on the 4th of July 8 years prior).
I choked back tears and forced a smile on my face for the rest of the day. I will not tolerate being spoken to like that. I do not deserve it. I did not speak to her for the rest of the day and was looking forward to 5 days off from work where I could truly think about what my next step was. I went home that night and sat on my couch and took note of everything in my apartment that was something she gave me or from somewhere we went (which is about 90%). I was still pretty much in shock at how she blew up at me because I asked if I could see her (the nerve of me). I was watching TV and my phone buzzed and her icon popped up. She said HI. I did not respond. Are we done fighting?
That I responded to. You have a lot of nerve to ask ME if we're done fighting
I guess that's a no.
For the record, I never was fighting. I was destroyed by what she said.
There were moments I'd glance at the picture of us on my TV stand. Her arms wrapped around me and her head on my shoulder, us smiling like to fools in love. I'd allow myself a minute or so to cry before I took a deep breath and shook it off. We did still have to discuss exactly what had happened and I figured that wouldn't be until Saturday. I'd let her stew for a few days to let her know I meant business.
Wednesday my sister came over and we sat by the pool. We chatted and I debated telling her since I didn't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill. After about an hour or so sitting by the pool it came out that Sheri and I were not speaking, or more that I was not speaking to Sheri. I had a pretty firm resolve that this was it, that everything piled up high enough and I had it. I had it with the excuses, I had it with never seeing her or spending time with her or doing things with her. I had it with having my life on hold. I told her that Sheri has been so mentally and emotionally abused by her mother that she truly believes that she is worthless and doesn't deserve happiness so she sabotages everything that she loves. She has been told all her life she is a failure, so she sets herself up to fail. For the past five and a half years I have tried to show her she is beautiful and worth loving but I am tired of scaling that wall. She will never see that until she believes it herself. I can't save her. We had made plans to go to the fireworks that night with her boyfriend and his two boys and we would take my mind off of things and have fun.
It was interesting to say the least. While we were at the fairgrounds the boys' mother showed up with her "friend" and plopped down next to us. She had a little to drink before hand and was umm, friendly, to say the least. This is a woman who prior to meeting my sister would curse her out and call her a whore and say she would never be anything to those boys. This same person greeted my sister with the biggest hug and called her her Kindred Spirit and was trying to get her to come to breakfast with her one day "Just us moms". I won't negate to say she also grabbed my sisters boobs and started humping me from behind. In front of her children and thousands of other witnesses.
Say it with me, Bat.shit.crazy.
We began to settle down in time for the fireworks and my sister snuggled up in front of her boyfriend and I leaned my head back on my lawn chair and watched the show. My heart was heavy because this was just another thing that I knew if I stayed with Sheri I would never have this. She doesn't do fireworks, she doesn't do holidays, she doesn't do birthdays. I imagined a life with someone who would be there with me and be a true partner in life. I pushed that picture out of my mind. I didn't want to do this with anyone else. I wanted to do it with Sheri. If only she would, if only she could put her stubbornness and her pride away and step out of her comfort zone. I would shake my head clear of these thoughts and try to firm up my resolve that I had to do this. I had to walk away.
Wednesday night I lied in bed and played the scene of having to watch her walk out of my apartment, of having to close the door behind her and know it was over, that it could possibly be the last time I would talk to her or see her again. I cried myself to sleep again that night.
Thursday morning I woke early to drive to the beach to meet my parents who were staying with my uncle. I knew sitting by the ocean listening to the waves crash would be the perfect spot to reflect on what was going on. I had John Mayer accompany me on the way down as he soulfully sang about how you can't get through love on a pile of IOU's and how we shouldn't be afraid to walk alone. My thoughts would range from MMaybe we'll be ok, maybe this time she'll change and No, this is what needs to be done. This is truly the end.
My mother and I took our places on the beach and I sat baking in the sun letting it reach into my soul and soothe me. My mother prattled on about this and that and it was a welcomed distraction to my constant thought of watching Sheri walk away. We sat there for hours until the sun started to dip behind us. We gathered our things to walk back to the house and she convinced me to stay for a big seafood dinner rather than leaving and sitting in rush hour traffic on the way home. I poured myself a glass of wine even though my stomach was in knots. I still hadn't heard from Sheri and to be honest, I didn't want to. As my mother and I sat on the front porch my phone buzzed and I saw it was Sheri. She asked How are you? I simply answered Fine. My lip began to quiver and I pulled my sunglasses down to cover the tears welling in my eyes but I wasn't quick enough. Mother's instinct kicked in and she asked me what was wrong between Sheri and me. I had just stated we weren't speaking and my father walked out and I sat up straighter and laughed as though she said something funny. She took her queue and carried on as though she didn't just see her daughter's facade begin to crack. We looked through the menu and decided on an array of seafood for all of us to share. During that time my phone buzzed again but I ignored it, not wanting to call any attention to myself. Once we were in the car I glanced at it and I saw that she was apologizing for Tuesday, that it had been 10 months since her sister passed, her mother was bitching and complaining about her (seriously, what mother speaks ill of her deceased child?), and how Hannah was in her ear about how it had been 8 years since Bill had left. She said If we're done, we're done. You deserve better than what I can offer you.
The dam broke.
I sat in the restaurant waiting for our food trying so hard not to completely break. I said I do deserve better. But so do you.
No, I don't think I do.
I think you've made me the best as I'm going to get.
You only think that because that's what has been beaten into your head by your mother. That you're useless, wasteful, self centered and selfish. You are none of those things. I wouldn't love someone like that. But you believe you are and I'm tired of scaling the wall you've put up around yourself to show you how beautiful you are and you deserve love and happiness. I can't make you see that. That has to come from within you. I can't save you.
I never asked you to save me.
I know. I took that upon myself. But you make it damn near impossible.
You think spending time with me will save me?
I thought showing you you're worth loving would.
I don't understand that but...
I love you and shouldn't have blown up on you the way I did.
No, you shouldn't have. But this is not just about Tuesday. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.
She started talking about how she would give me things back that were mine and she'd leave the key at my apartment. I think that hurt me worse, knowing that she wouldn't put up any sort of a fight for me. I shouldn't be surprised though, she always said she would never fight me if I decided to leave. I just wanted to go home and be alone. My mother wouldn't let me, begging me to stay there and eat something. She didn't want me driving home as upset as I was. We got back to my uncle's house and I plastered on that smile again and forced down food. I only ate two crab legs before I feigned tiredness and ran out of the house.
I did not cry though. I did not cry the entire way home. Somehow, I was extremely calm. I knew at that moment I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose her and all that we've worked for, especially when she didn't even know the real reason. She thought I'd break up with her because of a text message.
She called me when I got home and I wasted no time diving into the real reasons for my silence. I emptied my heart onto the table to let her know how hurtful it was to hear her say I was smothering her. I didn't care what was going on in her life, I.do.not.deserve.that. I shouted If you think I deserve better, BE BETTER! Don't just give up because you don't want to put in the effort. Don't give up because you can't fathom TRYING to better yourself for someone else and failing. She has said in the past that she gets so scared to tell me that she loves me and to open up to me because inevitably something will happen and we'll have an argument and then she feels like a fool for making herself vulnerable. I said that NOTHING should stop you from telling someone you love how you feel. Even if things didn't work out, even if maybe there'd be a fight after you said it, you should not, no, CANNOT, hold that back. You cannot use "Oh, I tell you I love you and then you aggravate me" as an excuse to not open up to
I told her that we are stagnant. We are no further in our relationship than we were five and a half years ago. This is unacceptable, there has to be some forward movement. I told her that at this point, I do not see a future with her if things don't change. The only thing I've ever asked is for her to make an effort. I don't want to hear excuses about work, money, children, mother, it's raining, the sky is blue. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. I'm TIRED of excuses. Time is not going to be handed to us, we have to make it. And time is not on our side. We are not getting any younger and I'm not about to sit around and wait for my life to start for another 5 years.
I am guarded. I see an effort on her part but it's too soon after the storm to tell if it will stick. We are spending a week together in August, the LONGEST we have been together since the beginning of our relationship. We have a few day trips planned (Deep Sea Fishing, Statue of Liberty) and she has a surprise for me that Saturday. At first I wanted to badger it out of her but I took a deep breath and recognized this is her trying. I told her that I am looking forward to it and I appreciate the fact that she is even thinking about planning a surprise.
I texted her the other day I love you. I'm glad we didn't break up.
lol, Ok...me too. And I love you too, more than I let on.
What do you mean?
I love you a lot but I don't think I show it as much as I should
And there is the reason why I was so upset. Maybe she is growing? Who knows. Stay tuned to find out. I know I will.
For the record, I never was fighting. I was destroyed by what she said.
There were moments I'd glance at the picture of us on my TV stand. Her arms wrapped around me and her head on my shoulder, us smiling like to fools in love. I'd allow myself a minute or so to cry before I took a deep breath and shook it off. We did still have to discuss exactly what had happened and I figured that wouldn't be until Saturday. I'd let her stew for a few days to let her know I meant business.
Wednesday my sister came over and we sat by the pool. We chatted and I debated telling her since I didn't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill. After about an hour or so sitting by the pool it came out that Sheri and I were not speaking, or more that I was not speaking to Sheri. I had a pretty firm resolve that this was it, that everything piled up high enough and I had it. I had it with the excuses, I had it with never seeing her or spending time with her or doing things with her. I had it with having my life on hold. I told her that Sheri has been so mentally and emotionally abused by her mother that she truly believes that she is worthless and doesn't deserve happiness so she sabotages everything that she loves. She has been told all her life she is a failure, so she sets herself up to fail. For the past five and a half years I have tried to show her she is beautiful and worth loving but I am tired of scaling that wall. She will never see that until she believes it herself. I can't save her. We had made plans to go to the fireworks that night with her boyfriend and his two boys and we would take my mind off of things and have fun.
It was interesting to say the least. While we were at the fairgrounds the boys' mother showed up with her "friend" and plopped down next to us. She had a little to drink before hand and was umm, friendly, to say the least. This is a woman who prior to meeting my sister would curse her out and call her a whore and say she would never be anything to those boys. This same person greeted my sister with the biggest hug and called her her Kindred Spirit and was trying to get her to come to breakfast with her one day "Just us moms". I won't negate to say she also grabbed my sisters boobs and started humping me from behind. In front of her children and thousands of other witnesses.
Say it with me, Bat.shit.crazy.
We began to settle down in time for the fireworks and my sister snuggled up in front of her boyfriend and I leaned my head back on my lawn chair and watched the show. My heart was heavy because this was just another thing that I knew if I stayed with Sheri I would never have this. She doesn't do fireworks, she doesn't do holidays, she doesn't do birthdays. I imagined a life with someone who would be there with me and be a true partner in life. I pushed that picture out of my mind. I didn't want to do this with anyone else. I wanted to do it with Sheri. If only she would, if only she could put her stubbornness and her pride away and step out of her comfort zone. I would shake my head clear of these thoughts and try to firm up my resolve that I had to do this. I had to walk away.
Wednesday night I lied in bed and played the scene of having to watch her walk out of my apartment, of having to close the door behind her and know it was over, that it could possibly be the last time I would talk to her or see her again. I cried myself to sleep again that night.
Thursday morning I woke early to drive to the beach to meet my parents who were staying with my uncle. I knew sitting by the ocean listening to the waves crash would be the perfect spot to reflect on what was going on. I had John Mayer accompany me on the way down as he soulfully sang about how you can't get through love on a pile of IOU's and how we shouldn't be afraid to walk alone. My thoughts would range from MMaybe we'll be ok, maybe this time she'll change and No, this is what needs to be done. This is truly the end.
My mother and I took our places on the beach and I sat baking in the sun letting it reach into my soul and soothe me. My mother prattled on about this and that and it was a welcomed distraction to my constant thought of watching Sheri walk away. We sat there for hours until the sun started to dip behind us. We gathered our things to walk back to the house and she convinced me to stay for a big seafood dinner rather than leaving and sitting in rush hour traffic on the way home. I poured myself a glass of wine even though my stomach was in knots. I still hadn't heard from Sheri and to be honest, I didn't want to. As my mother and I sat on the front porch my phone buzzed and I saw it was Sheri. She asked How are you? I simply answered Fine. My lip began to quiver and I pulled my sunglasses down to cover the tears welling in my eyes but I wasn't quick enough. Mother's instinct kicked in and she asked me what was wrong between Sheri and me. I had just stated we weren't speaking and my father walked out and I sat up straighter and laughed as though she said something funny. She took her queue and carried on as though she didn't just see her daughter's facade begin to crack. We looked through the menu and decided on an array of seafood for all of us to share. During that time my phone buzzed again but I ignored it, not wanting to call any attention to myself. Once we were in the car I glanced at it and I saw that she was apologizing for Tuesday, that it had been 10 months since her sister passed, her mother was bitching and complaining about her (seriously, what mother speaks ill of her deceased child?), and how Hannah was in her ear about how it had been 8 years since Bill had left. She said If we're done, we're done. You deserve better than what I can offer you.
The dam broke.
I sat in the restaurant waiting for our food trying so hard not to completely break. I said I do deserve better. But so do you.
No, I don't think I do.
I think you've made me the best as I'm going to get.
You only think that because that's what has been beaten into your head by your mother. That you're useless, wasteful, self centered and selfish. You are none of those things. I wouldn't love someone like that. But you believe you are and I'm tired of scaling the wall you've put up around yourself to show you how beautiful you are and you deserve love and happiness. I can't make you see that. That has to come from within you. I can't save you.
I never asked you to save me.
I know. I took that upon myself. But you make it damn near impossible.
You think spending time with me will save me?
I thought showing you you're worth loving would.
I don't understand that but...
I love you and shouldn't have blown up on you the way I did.
No, you shouldn't have. But this is not just about Tuesday. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.
She started talking about how she would give me things back that were mine and she'd leave the key at my apartment. I think that hurt me worse, knowing that she wouldn't put up any sort of a fight for me. I shouldn't be surprised though, she always said she would never fight me if I decided to leave. I just wanted to go home and be alone. My mother wouldn't let me, begging me to stay there and eat something. She didn't want me driving home as upset as I was. We got back to my uncle's house and I plastered on that smile again and forced down food. I only ate two crab legs before I feigned tiredness and ran out of the house.
I did not cry though. I did not cry the entire way home. Somehow, I was extremely calm. I knew at that moment I couldn't do it. I couldn't lose her and all that we've worked for, especially when she didn't even know the real reason. She thought I'd break up with her because of a text message.
She called me when I got home and I wasted no time diving into the real reasons for my silence. I emptied my heart onto the table to let her know how hurtful it was to hear her say I was smothering her. I didn't care what was going on in her life, I.do.not.deserve.that. I shouted If you think I deserve better, BE BETTER! Don't just give up because you don't want to put in the effort. Don't give up because you can't fathom TRYING to better yourself for someone else and failing. She has said in the past that she gets so scared to tell me that she loves me and to open up to me because inevitably something will happen and we'll have an argument and then she feels like a fool for making herself vulnerable. I said that NOTHING should stop you from telling someone you love how you feel. Even if things didn't work out, even if maybe there'd be a fight after you said it, you should not, no, CANNOT, hold that back. You cannot use "Oh, I tell you I love you and then you aggravate me" as an excuse to not open up to
I told her that we are stagnant. We are no further in our relationship than we were five and a half years ago. This is unacceptable, there has to be some forward movement. I told her that at this point, I do not see a future with her if things don't change. The only thing I've ever asked is for her to make an effort. I don't want to hear excuses about work, money, children, mother, it's raining, the sky is blue. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. I'm TIRED of excuses. Time is not going to be handed to us, we have to make it. And time is not on our side. We are not getting any younger and I'm not about to sit around and wait for my life to start for another 5 years.
I am guarded. I see an effort on her part but it's too soon after the storm to tell if it will stick. We are spending a week together in August, the LONGEST we have been together since the beginning of our relationship. We have a few day trips planned (Deep Sea Fishing, Statue of Liberty) and she has a surprise for me that Saturday. At first I wanted to badger it out of her but I took a deep breath and recognized this is her trying. I told her that I am looking forward to it and I appreciate the fact that she is even thinking about planning a surprise.
I texted her the other day I love you. I'm glad we didn't break up.
lol, Ok...me too. And I love you too, more than I let on.
What do you mean?
I love you a lot but I don't think I show it as much as I should
And there is the reason why I was so upset. Maybe she is growing? Who knows. Stay tuned to find out. I know I will.
