Growth

Posted April 26, 2011

Sorry again for the absence.  Things have been, well, not so good.  My father has been dealing with a serious health crisis and Sheri and I have both been so overwhelmed with personal and work issues that we both had completely shut down for the past two weeks.  We barely spoke and when we did tense silences filled the air.  We were off and had no idea how to get back on.

Last week I asked Sheri if she would like to come to my place one night after work so we could have a much needed booty call.  Without delving into specifics Sheri is peri-menopausal and her monthly visitor is sporadic and stays way past her welcome.  That being so, our sex life isn't consistent and our schedules have not been meshing.  I wanted to take advantage of us both being in the clear and see if we could reconnect.

Thursday also happened to be a day my father was in surgery.  I didn't stay long after his surgery.  They wheeled him back up to the room and he was still groggy from anesthesia so I just went home and took a nap.  Sheri was still really getting on my last nerve and while she was supportive during the surgery I asked her if she was still coming over and she said "Not if you're going to be tired and cranky."  It pissed me off and rubbed me the wrong way.  I said "Thanks Sheri.  Thanks for the support.  All I wanted was a little company and companionship." 

"I just mean I'm not coming over to sit on the couch" was her response.

I didn't answer her for fear of completely unleashing hell.  I'm aware of what this was supposed to be.  I'm aware that the plan was strictly for a much needed booty call.  I puttered around my apartment for a bit and was mulling this over in my head when I said "Be here by 6:30, 7."

I needed sex.  And I don't care if we hadn't been really speaking over the past week, by damn I needed a release.

It ended up being exactly what we both needed.  I got the apartment ready, laying our toys out on the bed so they were within easy reach.  I put on black thigh highs, turquoise lacy undies, a black pencil skirt, white button down shirt, and my hooker boots.  My hair was curly, I had my glasses on, and by god if I didn't want to do me.  She walked in the door and I made a coy comment.  "Why thank you for joining me,  Miss Miller.  I would like to discuss the most recent quarterly report."

She locked the door behind her and kneeled down in front of me.  Words weren't even spoken, she just smiled and she ran her hands up my legs and realized that the stockings didn't go all the way up.  She pushed up my skirt and pulled me down towards the edge of the couch and took me right there.  We moved to the bedroom where we had two hours of the most earth shattering, explosive sex.  All of that pent up anger, frustration, hurt, and emotion came pouring out of us as we reconnected.  By the end of if we were laughing and we laid on top of my bed, naked, spooning, and feeling like nothing else mattered.  "This is like Going Away sex,"  She said.

"How so?"

"You know, sex for hours, multiple orgasms, laying naked afterwards..."  she trailed off and took a deep, cleansing breath and pulled me closer into her.  We stayed like that for a while before it was time for her to go.

It really was just what we needed.  Friday my father came home from the hospital and Sheri and I went out with our friend who was in town for Easter.  We went bowling and played pool where, Sheri was acting like an ass towards Jen and I stood up for her by calling her on her shit.  It again was just a flood of frustration towards her, towards everything, and she bared the brunt of it.  We still had fun.  Who else can I yell at one second and then another be pulled into the corner for a kiss.

Saturday I spent the day by her.  We watched Remember Me and The 10 Commandments.  I went home and I don't really recall how we got on the subject but we were talking about something and I brought up Alli (The Girl From Henriettas) and that whole shitstorm in the beginning of our relationship.  I know how Sheri met Alli, I also know that Sheri, excuse my french, finger fucked her the night they met.  I've known that for a few years and it didn't really bother me, to be honest with you.  I just kind of figured it was literally an in and out type of deal, in the dark corner of the bar and that was it.  But Saturday night after we got off the phone my head started reeling.  What if...what if it was more than that?  In my mind I saw this girl, not ever knowing what she looked like, pressed up against the wall while Sheri's hungry mouth and fingers searched for her.  I pressed my eyes shut tighter and willed that image to go away but it didn't.  And then in my head, she started searching for Sheri, much like I had only a few nights prior. 

My eyes flashed open and stared into the darkness of my room.

I picked up the phone and called Sheri back.  "Hello?"

"Did she reciprocate?"

"What?" She asked, confused.

"Alli, the night at Henriettas.  Did she reciprocate?"

"No, you know my control issues."

"Did you make her cum?"

"....Why are you asking me this nearly 5 years later?"

"Did.you make.her cum?" I repeated.

"I'm not answering that."

"By not answering you are answering.  Sheri, did you make her cum?"

"Where is this coming from??"

"DID YOU MAKE HER CUM?"

".....Yes."

My world started spinning.  My body was sweating and shaking so hard that it was like I was having a seizure.

  "Where did you do it?"

"What?"

"Where in the bar?"

"Yes at the bar."

"No, I mean where in the bar was it?  Against the wall?  In the bathroom?"

"The bathroom."

I was crying so hard, picturing Sheri plowing this girl, her writhing and screaming in pleasure as she cums all over her hand.  My stomach was churning, I felt like the ground was falling out from underneath me.  "For YEARS," I spat, "I fucking had to deal with your shit about her.  Your insecurities, your projections, FOR YEARS.  You treated me like shit and you WANTED to keep her in your life.  You made me suffer FOR YEARS because of her and because of what you did."

"Yeah but to me it was over after that night."

"IT WASN'T TO HER!  That's why she tried to break us up!  That's why she reserved that hotel room.  It may have been done for you BUT IT WASN'T FOR HER!" 

"But she didn't break us up.  I don't get why this is coming up now.  You knew what I did with her."

"Yes, I knew to some extent.  But it's a whole different ball game that you made her cum.  You fucked her and because of that I suffered.  You gave me such shit for going out with my friends.  You thought that I'd be blowing every guy in the bar because of what YOU did."

"Well yeah.  Those were my issues.  I knew how easy it could be done.  That's why I apologized to you last week.  I know what I did was wrong and I am sorry for it.  Besides, you slept with Heather and I never said anything about it.  And you're still friends with her!  I don't even talk to Alli anymore."

I started to calm down, the adreneline was no longer coursing through my veins because I knew she was right.  I did sleep with Heather.  And she was and still is my best friend.  Was that really different than what she did?   No matter, "It's different," I protested.  "That happened way before we got together, she was my friend before I even met you AND she didn't try to break us up."
I was still crying.  I said softly "I think what kills me the most is knowing you're capable of doing that.  I see you doing that and I think No, that can't be my Sheri. Not the Sheri who gives horrible backrubs, skips down the streets of New York City, will text me a line from a movie just to make me laugh.  My Sheri can't do what she did."

"I was miserable then.  I still don't know what brought this up.  It was 10 minutes 5 years ago.  I don't even think about it and I was there.  In my mind you and I weren't even together.  You were still with Adam, it shouldn't matter."




"Oh thanks" I said, my stomach lurching, "I'm glad to know how long it took.....I think...I think I wasn't ready to know what really happened.  I always just figured it was a quick, literal, in and out thing.  Not something more."

I started softly crying again.  "I just don't get it.  I don't get why I had to suffer for your mistake.  You held her over my head as a way to keep me in line.  'I want to go out.' If you go out I'll call Alli.  'I want to see my friends.'  Ok, but then I get to see Alli.'  And we WERE together.  We had only been together in your pool a few nights earlier.  We had already been saying 'I love you.'  You know something?  People think I'm so strong, that I'm so independent.  I used to think that about myself too but history proves otherwise.  I mold myself to the person I'm dating to be the perfect girlfriend.  With Matt and Ryan I was more punk.  With Adam I was more provacative, with you I let you control my relationships..."

"I'm the same way.  Have to be strong..."

 "Can't see behind the mask," I finished.

"Smoke and mirrors babe," she said.

"Why can't we be who we try to portray ourselves to be?  What if we all just showed our true selves?  Why make everyone believe your life is perfect and your shit together when it's a lie?"

"That's what I thought about you when I met you.  You were working, going to school, long term boyfriend, perfect family.  I used to think She has it all.  I want that."

I curled up on my couch, watching the clock tick well past 1 AM.  "I'm tired."




"Go to bed."

"I'm working on it..... I just don't get it," I repeated.

"What is my biggest issue?" She asked.

"Control," I answered.

"Other than that?"

"Trust?" I guessed.

"No, abandonment.  I thought you were going to leave me."

"Oh, so that's why you kept her in your backpocket.  That's why she was your fallback girl.  Because you thought I'd leave, especially after that."

"Mmmhmmm."

"Do you get how backwards that is?  You thought I'd leave even though you wanted me so you pushed me away?"

"Keep you at an arm's length.  If I'm ready for you to leave, then it won't hurt so bad when you do."

"But I didn't.  And you still fought to keep her in your life.  That's the biggest part I don't get.  You saw how it killed me.  You knew what it was doing to us.  Yet you still wanted her there."

"I didn't have a lot of friends I could talk to.  It was done for me after that night.  I just wanted a friend.  You are the one who still brings her up out of no where."

We sat in silence for a few drawn out seconds.  "Do you know how you damaged me?"

"We damaged each other.  But we're good now."

"Why couldn't we have had this conversation five years ago?"

"We weren't ready then.  I wouldn't have changed.  I would have left.  It's taken me this long and the Jillian Michaels book to realize what I did to you.  That's why I apologized."

"I know how hard that was for you....but do you honestly think that's all you have to do?  You put me through hell for years and once you apologize *poof*, that's it?  What are you going to do now?"

"I don't know," she said, confused.  "Apologizing was like the last step."

"Apologizing should be the first step.  You know what made me so angry all the time?"

"What's that."

"That she GOT to me.  I tried so hard not to let her bother me but she DID.  I gave her the power to ruin my life for years and I was so MAD at myself for that."

"But you're OK with it now.  You said if I saw her you'd be OK."

"Yeah," I mused.  "I think it's because I know I won."

"Won what?"

"You!"

"Ha," she joked.  "Sometimes I feel like I'm more of a booby prize."

I yawned again, my eyes tired from crying and begging for sleep.  "I'm really going to bed this time."

"Ok babe, get some sleep."

I paused for a second, "I love you."

"I love you too."
We hung up and I shuffled back into my bed and whispered into the dark Please stop that image from playing in my head (if anyone is curious, it hasn't yet).  I got a text shortly after saying That's the first phone I love you we've said in a while.
Yeah, I thought to myself.  It's because it's been a while since I've felt like saying it.
It's been a hard few weeks.  But Saturday night's talk did us a lot of good and I'm missing a lot of the conversation.  It, I don't know, it helped us.  To communicate, which is all that I've ever really wanted from her.  I know I have to let it go.  She has more than made up for her mistakes and I can't keep having her pay the price for something that she did 5 years ago.  It just hit me like a freight train the reality of what really went on between them that night.



I see brighter days for us.  It already feels like we're getting back on track.