Let's go back, back, WAAAAAY BACK to before Sheri and I officially got together. Sometimes Sheri and I like to remenisce about the days of ol' and we always have a good laugh about our drunken escapades during work. So we're going to take a short trip down memory lane and I'll let you know about some of our best drunken moments.
When Sheri and I worked together there was a lot of emotional and sexual tension in the beginning that we quite literally drowned in alcohol. As you already know we'd go to lunch at Uno's for an hour or two at a time and try to drink our feelings numb. But as many of you probably also know and have experienced for yourself...alcohol lowers your inhibitions and you tend to do and say things that you would never DREAM of doing while sober.
Like flashing and/or mooning your boss.
Or throwing dog treats at one another.
Or even "accidently" brushing past one another just to say "Oops, I didn't mean to touch your ass."
In the beginning Sheri thought of any and every excuse to have her hands on me. We would play fight a lot and with her being much taller than me it was always a losing battle. She would stand away from me and I wouldn't be able to reach her but with her long arms she could reach me. She'd have her arm extended and I'd try to dodge her shouting "KEEP THOSE MONKEY ARMS AWAY FROM ME!" and she'd chase me around the store laughing.
There would also be times we'd play fight and she'd trip me or I'd lose my balance and fall. She'd stand over me laughing and I'd sweep my leg and she'd fall right next to me and then we'd be in a crumpled heap on the floor howling with laughter.
Some days after lunch I would be on register with our gay friend Luis. We'd be standing at our respective counters talking to one another and like a sniper Sheri would sneak around the dog toy aisle and grab these canvas or plastic chew toys meant for training police dogs to attack. There were two connected by a braided rope and Sheri would hold the rope and swing them like freakin nun chucks and chase us around the front of the store sometimes weilding them over her head like a Samuri Sword.
Let me tell you, they freakin hurt.
By the registers at PetSmart they always have a container of dog treats. One in particular was this plastic container that held "Barn Burgers" which were treats shaped like a cheeseburger patty. We'd grab handfulls of them and whip them at one another. We'd duck behind displays and run around insanely laughing while Barn Burgers flew threw the air. We were in war and Barn Burgers were our grenades. And again, if you got hit, it freakin hurt!
In the Specialty Department (fish & small animals) there would be a cart that had a spray bottle on it. The spray bottle was used for watering the small plants that came in for Cat Grass and Catnip. One day after lunch I got the brilliant idea and swiped one of the water bottles. I turned the nozzle from mist to stream and when Sheri walked past me I'd aim high up in the air and shoot. Sprinkles of water would fall down and she'd look up and all around her to see where the water came from. I quickly hid the bottle under my register and looked down like I was inspecting my nails. When she turned her back to me I fired again but this time she whipped around so fast that she caught me snickering and gave me the "Oohh, it's AWN!" look.
She walked away from me and I had to ring up a customer. Luis and I were chatting away when I felt on my back an assault of water. I turned, shocked, to see Sheri standing there with a smirk on her face holding a second water bottle. In one fluid motion I reached for mine and started running. The next few minutes consisted of running in and out of aisles, turning and shooting, laughing and screeching. Water was EVERYWHERE. And I thought since I was smaller and athletic that I could outrun her.
I didn't know she used to be in Track & Field in high school. I also didn't take in account that she's tall so she had a gigantic stride and caught up with me easily.
So what did I do?
I ran out of the store into the parking lot laughing like a Hyena. I thought for sure I'd lose her but when I turned and glanced over my shoulder she was right on my heels weilding the spray bottle. We chased one another around the parking lot, bobbing and weaving through cars. I was running out of breath and I felt my chest start to tighten as it was begging for oxygen. I stopped and put my hand up in defeat as she ran up to me and squirted my green shirt wet. We called a truce as I gasped to catch my breath and we walked shoulder to shoulder back into the store, red faced and sweaty.
There was another day after an alcohol filled lunch that we had gone our seperate ways, me with a lot of work to do. (Sheri, stop laughing!) I was in charge of fixing all the plannograms (displays) in the store and they were organized by four feet sections. I was in the hamster aisle busy trying to figure out which treats hung where based upon the diagram when I heard a giggle come from behind me. I cautiously turned and Sheri was standing over me with a grin like a cheshire cat and cheeks flushed from the Vodka. I stood up and I couldn't even open my mouth to ask her what she was doing. In one fluid motion she had her left hand pinning me against the shelves. I was so tipsy that it took my brain a few seconds to register what she was doing. With an evil grin on her face I saw a Black Sharpie marker in her right hand start coming for my face.
Nooooo. I thought to myself. The cap has to be on. She wouldn't....
And that's when I smelled the unique scent of a permenant marker. My eyes grew wide as my brain finally registered that she was, in fact, drawing a mustache on my face.
And I had to go to class later that night.
I pushed her back and ducked under a sweeping arm that was reaching out to grab me again. With my hand over my face I raced to the other side of the store towards the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and when I looked in the mirror my face was full of horror.
She had one half of a curly-q mustache drawn on my face. I heard her jiggle the door handle while laughing to let her in.
I.was.LIVID. Words can't even begin to DESCRIBE how mad I was. While she was bellowing with laughter outside I wet a paper towel and started scrubbing my face. With a sigh of relief I saw that the marker was coming off and after about a minute the only sign that she had drawn on my face was a slightly red upper lip.
She was knocking at the door saying "Cooomme ooonnn! Let me iiiiinnn!!"
For some reason there was a broomstick handle behind the door in the bathroom. I was so mad that I picked it up and wailed it against the door and screamed "I WILL FUCKING BEAT THE EVER LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU IF YOU COME ANYWHERE NEAR ME! I SWEAR TO GOD SHERI I HAVE CLASS TONIGHT! YOU'RE FUCKING LUCKY THIS CAME OFF!"
Drunky McDrunk was still laughing "Ohh pleease! It was fuuuunnnnyyyy! Come on let me finish the other side!!!"
Oh I was about to cry I was so mad. I was shaking like a leaf and had to compose myself for a few minutes before walking out of the bathroom. "If you're out there when I open this door," I warned, "you will be VERY sorry.
When I walked past her I shot her daggers and the only thing she could do was attempt, poorly I might add, to stifle her laughter.
It wasn't so funny then, but it's really funny now. We often retell the story to our friends and she still says "If only you let me finish it!"
I have yet to get her back for that. What is it that you say dear? Payback's a bitch? :)
When Sheri and I worked together there was a lot of emotional and sexual tension in the beginning that we quite literally drowned in alcohol. As you already know we'd go to lunch at Uno's for an hour or two at a time and try to drink our feelings numb. But as many of you probably also know and have experienced for yourself...alcohol lowers your inhibitions and you tend to do and say things that you would never DREAM of doing while sober.
Like flashing and/or mooning your boss.
Or throwing dog treats at one another.
Or even "accidently" brushing past one another just to say "Oops, I didn't mean to touch your ass."
In the beginning Sheri thought of any and every excuse to have her hands on me. We would play fight a lot and with her being much taller than me it was always a losing battle. She would stand away from me and I wouldn't be able to reach her but with her long arms she could reach me. She'd have her arm extended and I'd try to dodge her shouting "KEEP THOSE MONKEY ARMS AWAY FROM ME!" and she'd chase me around the store laughing.
There would also be times we'd play fight and she'd trip me or I'd lose my balance and fall. She'd stand over me laughing and I'd sweep my leg and she'd fall right next to me and then we'd be in a crumpled heap on the floor howling with laughter.
Some days after lunch I would be on register with our gay friend Luis. We'd be standing at our respective counters talking to one another and like a sniper Sheri would sneak around the dog toy aisle and grab these canvas or plastic chew toys meant for training police dogs to attack. There were two connected by a braided rope and Sheri would hold the rope and swing them like freakin nun chucks and chase us around the front of the store sometimes weilding them over her head like a Samuri Sword.
Let me tell you, they freakin hurt.
By the registers at PetSmart they always have a container of dog treats. One in particular was this plastic container that held "Barn Burgers" which were treats shaped like a cheeseburger patty. We'd grab handfulls of them and whip them at one another. We'd duck behind displays and run around insanely laughing while Barn Burgers flew threw the air. We were in war and Barn Burgers were our grenades. And again, if you got hit, it freakin hurt!
In the Specialty Department (fish & small animals) there would be a cart that had a spray bottle on it. The spray bottle was used for watering the small plants that came in for Cat Grass and Catnip. One day after lunch I got the brilliant idea and swiped one of the water bottles. I turned the nozzle from mist to stream and when Sheri walked past me I'd aim high up in the air and shoot. Sprinkles of water would fall down and she'd look up and all around her to see where the water came from. I quickly hid the bottle under my register and looked down like I was inspecting my nails. When she turned her back to me I fired again but this time she whipped around so fast that she caught me snickering and gave me the "Oohh, it's AWN!" look.
She walked away from me and I had to ring up a customer. Luis and I were chatting away when I felt on my back an assault of water. I turned, shocked, to see Sheri standing there with a smirk on her face holding a second water bottle. In one fluid motion I reached for mine and started running. The next few minutes consisted of running in and out of aisles, turning and shooting, laughing and screeching. Water was EVERYWHERE. And I thought since I was smaller and athletic that I could outrun her.
I didn't know she used to be in Track & Field in high school. I also didn't take in account that she's tall so she had a gigantic stride and caught up with me easily.
So what did I do?
I ran out of the store into the parking lot laughing like a Hyena. I thought for sure I'd lose her but when I turned and glanced over my shoulder she was right on my heels weilding the spray bottle. We chased one another around the parking lot, bobbing and weaving through cars. I was running out of breath and I felt my chest start to tighten as it was begging for oxygen. I stopped and put my hand up in defeat as she ran up to me and squirted my green shirt wet. We called a truce as I gasped to catch my breath and we walked shoulder to shoulder back into the store, red faced and sweaty.
There was another day after an alcohol filled lunch that we had gone our seperate ways, me with a lot of work to do. (Sheri, stop laughing!) I was in charge of fixing all the plannograms (displays) in the store and they were organized by four feet sections. I was in the hamster aisle busy trying to figure out which treats hung where based upon the diagram when I heard a giggle come from behind me. I cautiously turned and Sheri was standing over me with a grin like a cheshire cat and cheeks flushed from the Vodka. I stood up and I couldn't even open my mouth to ask her what she was doing. In one fluid motion she had her left hand pinning me against the shelves. I was so tipsy that it took my brain a few seconds to register what she was doing. With an evil grin on her face I saw a Black Sharpie marker in her right hand start coming for my face.
Nooooo. I thought to myself. The cap has to be on. She wouldn't....
And that's when I smelled the unique scent of a permenant marker. My eyes grew wide as my brain finally registered that she was, in fact, drawing a mustache on my face.
And I had to go to class later that night.
I pushed her back and ducked under a sweeping arm that was reaching out to grab me again. With my hand over my face I raced to the other side of the store towards the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and when I looked in the mirror my face was full of horror.
She had one half of a curly-q mustache drawn on my face. I heard her jiggle the door handle while laughing to let her in.
I.was.LIVID. Words can't even begin to DESCRIBE how mad I was. While she was bellowing with laughter outside I wet a paper towel and started scrubbing my face. With a sigh of relief I saw that the marker was coming off and after about a minute the only sign that she had drawn on my face was a slightly red upper lip.
She was knocking at the door saying "Cooomme ooonnn! Let me iiiiinnn!!"
For some reason there was a broomstick handle behind the door in the bathroom. I was so mad that I picked it up and wailed it against the door and screamed "I WILL FUCKING BEAT THE EVER LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU IF YOU COME ANYWHERE NEAR ME! I SWEAR TO GOD SHERI I HAVE CLASS TONIGHT! YOU'RE FUCKING LUCKY THIS CAME OFF!"
Drunky McDrunk was still laughing "Ohh pleease! It was fuuuunnnnyyyy! Come on let me finish the other side!!!"
Oh I was about to cry I was so mad. I was shaking like a leaf and had to compose myself for a few minutes before walking out of the bathroom. "If you're out there when I open this door," I warned, "you will be VERY sorry.
When I walked past her I shot her daggers and the only thing she could do was attempt, poorly I might add, to stifle her laughter.
It wasn't so funny then, but it's really funny now. We often retell the story to our friends and she still says "If only you let me finish it!"
I have yet to get her back for that. What is it that you say dear? Payback's a bitch? :)
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