This is where our story almost came to an abrupt end-and also the point that has plagued me for almost 4 years. This is going to be a long one-and a not so happy one...
Before I continue I do want to make it perfectly clear that this whole situation still to this day makes me sick to my stomach and it is very difficult to rehash this and stir up all of these feelings. I'm hoping that it will be cathartic but so far it just reminds me of how horrible I was, and she was no saint either.
Before we went away in November, I think even dating back to October Sheri and I had gotten into a fight about the girl she met that night at Henrietta's. This girl was hellbent on taking Sheri away from me and she was the cause for a lot of contension in our young relationship. I am aware now, not so much then, that I had no claim to Sheri because I was still very much with my boyfriend. Sheri would hold her over my head and threaten me with her. If I ever did anything wrong it was met with "Oh yeah? Well if you do this I will go call Alli and...." It was perfectly clear that she was her rebound girl. One false move and she'd go running to her and I couldn't, and still can't, stomach that thought.
We had exchanged commitment rings in September and when she found out that I was still seeing him she made me return everything and said every hurtful thing possible, calling me names no one should ever call someone they love. Later in that particular fight Sheri had said that if I plan on continuing to sleep with my boyfriend that would give her free reign to sleep with whomever she pleases-meaning the girl from Henrietta's. Not being able to stomach the thought of someone other than me touching her I begged and cried that she not do that, that if it meant stopping sleeping with my boyfriend that I would do that.
Somehow this got misconstrued that I was leaving him. I stopped bringing him up in discussions, I never mentioned his name around her anymore. We were dwindling, I knew we were pretty much done but it really was just a matter of saying it. When I was with him I only wanted to be with Sheri but at the same time I wasn't yet strong enough to leave him-so I didn't.
I recall at some point in October or November talking to Luis and saying to him "I think Sheri doesn't remember the fact that I'm still with ****. I have no idea if and how I should tell her because the way she's acting makes me think she's either ignoring the situation or thinks I broke up with him."
It was a period of lying, sneaking, deleting text messages. I thought to myself though that she had to know I was still with him, I would have told her if I ended things permenantly. My friends were more than disapproving of the situation, especially at this point. I had called one of my best friends in hysterics crying to her that I couldn't do this anymore, I couldn't lead a double life, I had to end it with one of them.
I can't believe after all of these years it's still this hard to remember this.
All of that happened before our trip in November-she thought we were exclusive even though I had never said we were. I still to this day defend myself because I had never given her any reason to believe that I left him at that point. A weak argument, yes, but mine nonetheless.
On December 29th, 2006 Sheri and I had gone out to dinner-me successfully dodging discussions about New Years Eve because I was fully planning on celebrating it with him. I knew she knew something was up but I just assumed that she knew I'd be spending it with him.
After dinner we stopped at the PetSmart she was working at so I could run in and use the bathroom. When I was walking out of the store she was standing against her car, arms crossed, with the coldest look on her face.
She had gone through my phone while I was in the store and found a text message from him.
I felt the ground fall out from underneath me and my stomach was doing flips. My face went red and tears stung behind my eyes. I tried to defend myself but it was useless-she called me a cheater, a liar, that I didn't deserve anything she had ever given me.
I clung to my argument of If I never told you I left him why would you assume that I did?
It was not a good moment for us. She demanded everything back and told me she never wanted to speak to me or see me again.
The next day I had my sister drive me up to the store so I could return all of her things. She walked out of the store with the same stone cold expression on her face and told me "That better be every little damn thing I've gotten you."
It wasn't-there was a small ornament that she had bought me of a snowman with a jingle ball that had my name written on it. That was still in my bedroom and she spat at me saying "You don't deserve it, I want it back."
I told her I'd mail it to her, to calm herself that she'd get everything she wanted.
Thank God for my sister though-she held me up that day. There was a DSW next door to Sheri's store so she took me shopping. She happened to had made me laugh walking out of the store on our way back to the car which Sheri saw from inside her store. It was like a nail in the coffin for her-here we were on the brink of death and I'm walking with my sister and laughing.
Days go by, both of our worlds fall apart. I had gone to a football game New Years Eve during the day and then I was back at ****'s house to nap and then go to the NYE party that night. In the midst of our breakup whether it had been nerves or not I suffered from a terrible stomach flu. Sheri was downing bottles of vodka and she was texting me at the football game about how nice it'd be if she drank so much she never woke up. Here I am, trying to tailgate and she's talking about killing herself. As if my stomach isn't upset enough I start yelling at her that she has two children-how dare she be so selfish and stupid.
After the game while **** was sleeping I snuck into his living room and called a very good friend of mine in tears. I told him all I wanted to do was leave and run to Sheri and make everything alright. He urged me to do it, but I didn't.
I was miserable that night, **** noticed it because we left the party shortly after midnight. I told him that I just wasn't still feeling well from being so sick so he thought it was just that. I had to look out the window in the middle of the night and bite my lip to keep from crying.
I did do this to myself, after all.
In a few days I'd be leaving to visit my best friend in Memphis. I had written a 2007 resolution that I would be leaving both of them, that I would branch out and find myself on my own. Memphis was just the place to do that.
On January 1st Sheri had told me that if I ever wanted to talk to her again that I better show up at the restaurant near her so I could return my snowman ornament...and apparently rub salt into the gaping wound. The entire way up there I tried to be strong, I tried to stand my ground and psych myself up to not run back to her by blasting, of all things, Nick Lachey's "Resolution". It was the first time that day that I heard that song in my ipod and the entire 40 minute drive I had it on repeat, screaming out the lyrics on the top of my lungs and trying to blink the tears away.
My plan didn't go so well. That night Sheri and I made love. She was on top of me and she put her head down on my chest breathing heavy. At first what I thought was an attempt to catch her breath turned out to be her crying. I felt her tears drop onto my skin and she choked out "I'm going to lose you, I just know it." I couldn't muster a sound so I wrapped my arms around her and held her close whispering "Shhh...shhhhh" as I stroked her hair.
I left for Memphis a few days after that. Sheri and I were on better terms-our discussions had leaned towards I was going to get my shit together, I was going to really leave him this time and we'd start over, try again.
When I landed in Memphis I turned my phone on and the notifications that I had a voicemail came dinging through. I listened to my messages while in my seat and her first message said "Hey..umm..it's me. So Alli got a room for us in the city to make up for my crappy New Years....I don't know....call me back so we can talk about it...I hope you had a safe trip, I love you."
I wasn't on the ground for 2 minutes before I called her and screamed "Oh HELL no you're not going out with her!" into the phone. I knew what this girl was doing, I knew she'd play on Sheri's emotions. A "revenge fuck" is what she called it.
Yes, what I did was shitty, but I will defend myself until the day I die that I was with my boyfriend for 2 years before Sheri entered my life and that's not something I could just walk away from. This girl comes waltzing in in August, months after Sheri and I start seeing each other and tries to throw a freakin toolbelt into our relationship.
Sheri will argue at that point that she and I were not seeing each other. And I say that if there was some sort of exchange of bodily fluids and penetration, that yes, yes we were.
Anyways.
Memphis was an amazingly liberating trip. Yes there were tears shed while there-Sheri did see that girl but no she did not stay at the hotel with her. I don't care what happened before that, and I know that I had not a leg to stand on, but if Sheri had slept with her at ANY point that we would not be here today.
The night I came home from Memphis I texted my boyfriend that we needed to talk. Immediately he responds "Are you breaking up with me?" I tell him that we're not discussing this over a text message that we can have dinner the next night.
3 weeks before our 3 year anniversary my boyfriend and I ended things-officially. It was mutual-as I said it had been coming on for months. He was actually starting to fall out of it around the same time I did which was back in September. I forgot how well he knew me and he mentioned I was like two different people-there was one side of me who was sweet, loving, and funny-but there was this darker side that he couldn't trust and he couldn't put his finger on it. He knew of Sheri-but he didn't know about Sheri. He said as we parted ways "I bet Sheri will be happy about this."
I shrugged it off and said "Nah, I don't really talk to her much. She's seeing someone in the city."
"Girl or guy?"
"Girl."
I don't know why I did-it was a knee-jerk reaction that was conditioned in me for nearly 6 months.
I wish I could say that was the beginning of the rest of our lives. I wish I could say that was the end of the drama and everything since then has been rainbows and puppies and freaking unicorns. But stick around-because it's not over yet.
Before I continue I do want to make it perfectly clear that this whole situation still to this day makes me sick to my stomach and it is very difficult to rehash this and stir up all of these feelings. I'm hoping that it will be cathartic but so far it just reminds me of how horrible I was, and she was no saint either.
Before we went away in November, I think even dating back to October Sheri and I had gotten into a fight about the girl she met that night at Henrietta's. This girl was hellbent on taking Sheri away from me and she was the cause for a lot of contension in our young relationship. I am aware now, not so much then, that I had no claim to Sheri because I was still very much with my boyfriend. Sheri would hold her over my head and threaten me with her. If I ever did anything wrong it was met with "Oh yeah? Well if you do this I will go call Alli and...." It was perfectly clear that she was her rebound girl. One false move and she'd go running to her and I couldn't, and still can't, stomach that thought.
We had exchanged commitment rings in September and when she found out that I was still seeing him she made me return everything and said every hurtful thing possible, calling me names no one should ever call someone they love. Later in that particular fight Sheri had said that if I plan on continuing to sleep with my boyfriend that would give her free reign to sleep with whomever she pleases-meaning the girl from Henrietta's. Not being able to stomach the thought of someone other than me touching her I begged and cried that she not do that, that if it meant stopping sleeping with my boyfriend that I would do that.
Somehow this got misconstrued that I was leaving him. I stopped bringing him up in discussions, I never mentioned his name around her anymore. We were dwindling, I knew we were pretty much done but it really was just a matter of saying it. When I was with him I only wanted to be with Sheri but at the same time I wasn't yet strong enough to leave him-so I didn't.
I recall at some point in October or November talking to Luis and saying to him "I think Sheri doesn't remember the fact that I'm still with ****. I have no idea if and how I should tell her because the way she's acting makes me think she's either ignoring the situation or thinks I broke up with him."
It was a period of lying, sneaking, deleting text messages. I thought to myself though that she had to know I was still with him, I would have told her if I ended things permenantly. My friends were more than disapproving of the situation, especially at this point. I had called one of my best friends in hysterics crying to her that I couldn't do this anymore, I couldn't lead a double life, I had to end it with one of them.
I can't believe after all of these years it's still this hard to remember this.
All of that happened before our trip in November-she thought we were exclusive even though I had never said we were. I still to this day defend myself because I had never given her any reason to believe that I left him at that point. A weak argument, yes, but mine nonetheless.
On December 29th, 2006 Sheri and I had gone out to dinner-me successfully dodging discussions about New Years Eve because I was fully planning on celebrating it with him. I knew she knew something was up but I just assumed that she knew I'd be spending it with him.
After dinner we stopped at the PetSmart she was working at so I could run in and use the bathroom. When I was walking out of the store she was standing against her car, arms crossed, with the coldest look on her face.
She had gone through my phone while I was in the store and found a text message from him.
I felt the ground fall out from underneath me and my stomach was doing flips. My face went red and tears stung behind my eyes. I tried to defend myself but it was useless-she called me a cheater, a liar, that I didn't deserve anything she had ever given me.
I clung to my argument of If I never told you I left him why would you assume that I did?
It was not a good moment for us. She demanded everything back and told me she never wanted to speak to me or see me again.
The next day I had my sister drive me up to the store so I could return all of her things. She walked out of the store with the same stone cold expression on her face and told me "That better be every little damn thing I've gotten you."
It wasn't-there was a small ornament that she had bought me of a snowman with a jingle ball that had my name written on it. That was still in my bedroom and she spat at me saying "You don't deserve it, I want it back."
I told her I'd mail it to her, to calm herself that she'd get everything she wanted.
Thank God for my sister though-she held me up that day. There was a DSW next door to Sheri's store so she took me shopping. She happened to had made me laugh walking out of the store on our way back to the car which Sheri saw from inside her store. It was like a nail in the coffin for her-here we were on the brink of death and I'm walking with my sister and laughing.
Days go by, both of our worlds fall apart. I had gone to a football game New Years Eve during the day and then I was back at ****'s house to nap and then go to the NYE party that night. In the midst of our breakup whether it had been nerves or not I suffered from a terrible stomach flu. Sheri was downing bottles of vodka and she was texting me at the football game about how nice it'd be if she drank so much she never woke up. Here I am, trying to tailgate and she's talking about killing herself. As if my stomach isn't upset enough I start yelling at her that she has two children-how dare she be so selfish and stupid.
After the game while **** was sleeping I snuck into his living room and called a very good friend of mine in tears. I told him all I wanted to do was leave and run to Sheri and make everything alright. He urged me to do it, but I didn't.
I was miserable that night, **** noticed it because we left the party shortly after midnight. I told him that I just wasn't still feeling well from being so sick so he thought it was just that. I had to look out the window in the middle of the night and bite my lip to keep from crying.
I did do this to myself, after all.
In a few days I'd be leaving to visit my best friend in Memphis. I had written a 2007 resolution that I would be leaving both of them, that I would branch out and find myself on my own. Memphis was just the place to do that.
On January 1st Sheri had told me that if I ever wanted to talk to her again that I better show up at the restaurant near her so I could return my snowman ornament...and apparently rub salt into the gaping wound. The entire way up there I tried to be strong, I tried to stand my ground and psych myself up to not run back to her by blasting, of all things, Nick Lachey's "Resolution". It was the first time that day that I heard that song in my ipod and the entire 40 minute drive I had it on repeat, screaming out the lyrics on the top of my lungs and trying to blink the tears away.
My plan didn't go so well. That night Sheri and I made love. She was on top of me and she put her head down on my chest breathing heavy. At first what I thought was an attempt to catch her breath turned out to be her crying. I felt her tears drop onto my skin and she choked out "I'm going to lose you, I just know it." I couldn't muster a sound so I wrapped my arms around her and held her close whispering "Shhh...shhhhh" as I stroked her hair.
I left for Memphis a few days after that. Sheri and I were on better terms-our discussions had leaned towards I was going to get my shit together, I was going to really leave him this time and we'd start over, try again.
When I landed in Memphis I turned my phone on and the notifications that I had a voicemail came dinging through. I listened to my messages while in my seat and her first message said "Hey..umm..it's me. So Alli got a room for us in the city to make up for my crappy New Years....I don't know....call me back so we can talk about it...I hope you had a safe trip, I love you."
I wasn't on the ground for 2 minutes before I called her and screamed "Oh HELL no you're not going out with her!" into the phone. I knew what this girl was doing, I knew she'd play on Sheri's emotions. A "revenge fuck" is what she called it.
Yes, what I did was shitty, but I will defend myself until the day I die that I was with my boyfriend for 2 years before Sheri entered my life and that's not something I could just walk away from. This girl comes waltzing in in August, months after Sheri and I start seeing each other and tries to throw a freakin toolbelt into our relationship.
Sheri will argue at that point that she and I were not seeing each other. And I say that if there was some sort of exchange of bodily fluids and penetration, that yes, yes we were.
Anyways.
Memphis was an amazingly liberating trip. Yes there were tears shed while there-Sheri did see that girl but no she did not stay at the hotel with her. I don't care what happened before that, and I know that I had not a leg to stand on, but if Sheri had slept with her at ANY point that we would not be here today.
The night I came home from Memphis I texted my boyfriend that we needed to talk. Immediately he responds "Are you breaking up with me?" I tell him that we're not discussing this over a text message that we can have dinner the next night.
3 weeks before our 3 year anniversary my boyfriend and I ended things-officially. It was mutual-as I said it had been coming on for months. He was actually starting to fall out of it around the same time I did which was back in September. I forgot how well he knew me and he mentioned I was like two different people-there was one side of me who was sweet, loving, and funny-but there was this darker side that he couldn't trust and he couldn't put his finger on it. He knew of Sheri-but he didn't know about Sheri. He said as we parted ways "I bet Sheri will be happy about this."
I shrugged it off and said "Nah, I don't really talk to her much. She's seeing someone in the city."
"Girl or guy?"
"Girl."
I don't know why I did-it was a knee-jerk reaction that was conditioned in me for nearly 6 months.
I wish I could say that was the beginning of the rest of our lives. I wish I could say that was the end of the drama and everything since then has been rainbows and puppies and freaking unicorns. But stick around-because it's not over yet.
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