Spontaneous Sex

"In my entire adult life, I've never had spontaneous sex," I told our gay friend Luis over dinner Friday night.

I don't know how it is for some women but with me, there are certain guidelines that need to be met when it comes to sex.  I've never been "unprepared" when sex has occurred.  I've heard stories of some women being totally caught off guard and bang some guy they meet at a bar that night and that has never been, nor ever will be, me.  For one, I am a need-to-be-in-a-relationship-or-at-the-very-least-have-feelings-for-the-person type of girl.  That goes for a man or woman.  No.  More so man.  I've had some flings with chicks that leave me scratching my head. 

Anyways.  For those who don't know, I'm mostly Italian.  And for those who don't speak Italian, loosely translated that means: hairy.  Now don't get the wrong idea, it's not like I'm sporting a hairy man chest or anything but I do know my way around the bleaches and hair removal aisle.  Plus I'm very particular about my nether regions and I need that shit to be in tip-top shape if anyone is going to play in my playground.  To me, the idea of unplanned, spontaneous sex is as foreign as meeting some little green man with a lightbulb shaped head and three fingers.  Likewise, unplanned, spontaneous sex also seems synomamous with "unshaven".

Maybe it's different for women who don't shave their whoo-has.  They don't think twice of some attractive stranger starts making eyes in their direction.  I'm sure the thought Oh shit, my stubble will take off his/her first few layers of skin doesn't cross their mind.  Well, it does mine. 

Being shaved or unshaved is also not the only concern.  Let's be real here people, smell is also a concern.  I'm sure on the hottest of the summer days after hours of walking around with sweat and other unmentionables pooling in your underwear the farthest thing from your mind is Let me drop my drawers for this complete stranger.  So what if I smell like a sewer?  It's spontaneous!  Wooooo!"  Because if he/she gets a whiff of what's been brewing down there that spontaneous sex isn't happening anyways.

That brings me to today.  The last one or two times Sheri and I have had sex it's been a near disaster.  Nevermind that although we can average having sex for 1-2 hours a really big chunk of that time is spent either trying to get into a precarious position or laughing our asses off once we do get into it.  Wednesday she came down for a mid-week booty call and it was a close call on that one.  She almost didn't climax with that one.  Saturday rolled around and we wanted to pull off having sex twice in one week which with our schedules is unheard of, and this is why:  I didn't get her off.  After trying 3 failsafe positions with the only end result being cramping arms and hands we called it a day.  As a matter of fact she said, half jokingly "Just go make dinner and I'll finish myself off."

Not what you want to hear after five years in the sack.  With my confidence completely shot I started to get out of bed in a huff when she realized what she said struck a cord and she grabbed me and laid on top of me so I couldn't move.  Tears started streaming down my face and pooled on my pillow which she thought was me drooling.  I was just so frustrated that after all of these years I still can't satisfy her and it brings me right back to the beginning of our relationship when she faked a good majority of her orgasms and then would just masturbate right in front of me.  Me, thinking she was insatiable got turned on and joined in.  For her, it was the only way she could achieve an orgasm because she didn't let me in on the little secret she's not exactly wired like your average woman.

Today I called out from work.  I had gotten a flu shot yesterday and later in the day started to feel like I was knocking on death's door.  Sheri called me early last night to see how I was and I wailed "I DON'T FEEL GOOOOD!"  and then started sobbing. 

I don't do sick well.

I couldn't move, my entire body felt like it was beaten with a bat, I had a raging fever (which would have been comfirmed by a thermometer had I had one) and I was exhausted but couldn't sleep.  I begged her to bring me some chicken soup and tea and of course, she couldn't because it was a Sunday night and she was home with her children.  That's the one sucky thing about living alone-no one is there to take care of you when you're sick.  She said to me though if I called out of work today that she would come take care of me.

As the night wore on I started to feel a little better, realizing that my symptoms were probably just a side effect from being overly exhausted mixed with a side effect from the shot.  I still took some nyquil and ended passing out at the ungodly hour of.... 8:40 pm.  I was done for the next 12 hours.  I woke up at 9 am right as rain and hopped out of bed like a young spry chick.  Sheri came over not too much later and I hopped in the shower while she made me tea and scrambled eggs. 

While I was in the shower I thought Ooohh, I feel good today.  We can have sex today!  I can make up for Saturday AND have my birthday sex today!"

My birthday is in two days and I'll be visted by Aunt Flo at that time so any shot of birthday sex would be out of the question.

While I was in the shower I shaved so that if the occassion should arrise I wouldn't leave any irritation around the poor woman's mouth.  I got out of the shower, put on clean PJ's (It's my sex outfit of choice) and we had our breakfast.  Not long after I was kissing up and down Sheri's neck and she was pushing me off.  "Stop spreading your germs sicky!"

"I'm not sick!  It was just a side effect," I protested.

"Then you should have gone to work and I could be home cleaning!"

"Nah," I said while trying to nibble on her ear, "this is more fun."

She'd laugh and try to push me off of her but I was determined.

"I haven't shaved!  I wasn't prepared for this!" She said.  "I didn't come down here thinking there would be sex involved!"

"Consider this my version of spontaneous sex," I mused.

"But you shaved!  It's not spontaneous if you shaved!"

I shrugged.  "It's spontaneous for you."

"Fine," she relented.  "When the next commercial comes on."

Ooh baby, you know how to talk dirty to me.

It started out a bit unsure and awkward, given what had transpired over the weekend.  Eventually we got into the swing of things and not 15 minutes after we started did I already have two orgasms.  The third one though....I got caught up in the moment of everything and was so loud that Sheri reached up and clamped her hand over my mouth. 

She crawled up next to me while I lay there, panting.  I patted her head and gave a weak smile and slurred "Happy birthday to ME!"

I was able to redeem myself today.  After Sheri concentrated so well on me I was able to do the same for her.  But not without one more for me.  Sheri cannot climax from oral sex alone.  Just massaging or licking her "love button" really does absolutely nothing for her.  Trust me, I've tried.  And I'm good at what I do down there.  There is a certain spot that I need to hit in order to give her an orgasm and it can only be accessible in certain positions most of the times my arm cramps up and goes completely numb before I can even get her to orgasm.  She does enjoy receiving oral sex though, even though "it doesn't do anything for her" as she puts it.  It still feels good and it relaxes her, to the point sometimes where I expect to hear a snore escape from her lips.  After I had moved from oral sex to feeling her on the inside she reached down to touch me, because that's another quirk...she needs to be touching me in order to climax.  (Majority of it is completely mental) and noted that I had gone completely bone dry.

Knowing that it would have again been disasterous I started to climb my way up past her shoulders.  "What are you doing?"  She asked, confused.

"I can only think of one way to make me wet again," I purred as I lowered myself to her lips.

She took me eagerly as I already felt the familiar stirrings of an orgasm.  I knew it wouldn't take long.  She slipped a finger in and I was done.  Less than 30 seconds later I was having an even louder orgasm than the one before.  I saw Sheri's right hand go flying up towards my face but she was blocked and couldn't reach my mouth to quiet me.  I collapsed across her body and she goes "Oh my GAWD YOU'RE SO LOUD!"

I panted "Well...it's...your....fault..."

After I regained my composure I was able to move back down to where I was.  This time when she touched me she just said "Oh Lord."

"Yeah, that's what you do to me," I smirked.

My arm started to give out so we moved to our sides and I started to get anxious again because I noticed that she wasn't as wet as she was before.  Our fingers though kept dancing and soon after I heard her breathing change and I knew she was close.  I went even quicker and brought her FINALLY to the orgasm that had been three days in the making. 


I'd like to think that today was spontaneous sex.  It wasn't up until my shower that the thought had even crossed one of our mind and with me, that's about as spontaneous as it's going to get.

But I will repeat, Happy Birthday to ME!!!