Limbo

A few weeks ago one of my best and oldest friends called me to excitedly announce that she and her boyfriend had just gotten engaged.  What was supposed to be a monumentally happy occasion hit me like a ton of bricks and I just wanted to break down and cry.  I was happy that my friend was happy, but it struck a nerve.  At that moment I panicked and thought This will never be me.  I will never get to say these words.  I don't even know if I WANT to.  It could have been that I was in the throes of wicked PMS, the two glasses of wine had made me emotional, or because for the first time in a very long time Sheri and I were fighting. 

 

 

I realized something yesterday as I verbally diarrhea-d and blew up Sheri's inbox. What threw me so hard about my friend's engagement was that when things like this happen it makes me realize that this is where I should be in my life but I'm not because I'm in limbo.

I think a lot of my problem is that Sheri and I discuss marriage, children, moving in, yada yada yada, but all it is right now is talk. It's just talk because realistically with her mother still alive we cannot do those things. My life is literally on hold until that woman dies. I don't think Sheri realizes that. I was telling her she never had to watch all of her friends get married and start families before her. She never really had a lot of friends. She's always kept people at an arm's length. The three closest friends she does have are still all single and will be for the rest of their lives. She was the friend who got married and had kids. The rest of her "group" had no interest on ever jumping on that band wagon. So she doesn't get what it's like to watch your friends get married off one by one and you sit here and think We've been together longer than they have and we're nowhere near moving forward.As I sat on my front step last night watching a thunderstorm roll in I was telling her that I've always been on a delay when it comes to milestones. I was one of the last of my friends to move out on my own. Three of my best friends had been out of the house since after college. They graduated and just never went home. Hell, the one friend who just got engaged was out of the house after high school. And then there I was, just turned 27 and finally out on my own.

She said "But if my mother died tomorrow and I asked you to marry me or move in you'd say no."
I responded "Of course I would! We have been together for five and a half years and I barely need two hands to count how many times we've slept in the same bed together. We've never spent more than 4 consecutive days together. We see each other once a week for a few hours. You can't go from 0-80 like that because I guarantee we'd be broken up within a month if we just moved in."
"I don't think that's true," she protested.

"Maybe for the first week it'd be Yay! I get to come home to you every day and I still like you! But then the second week it'd be Oh my god, why are you still here??? It would be such a difficult transition for me especially since I'm used to being on my own now. I get to come home and for a couple of hours just be by myself and unwind. Between you and your children I would get no such break and that would cause me to have a nervous breakdown!"

I told her the first step would to be spend more time together starting with more sleepovers. And then we also have talked about the renovations that would be required to take place even before I move in. For starters their upstairs bathroom has a tub/shower has not been in use for nearly 10+ years. That would change. Her mother's room will be the guest bedroom/my room because I love the woman but you've all read me complain about her snoring. I said we're going to buy ourselves a gigantic California King bed for our master bedroom and then my current mattress will be used in the guest bedroom. That way if she is snoring too loud then I can go sleep in my own bed. I love her, but I like her a lot more when I'm well rested.

I continued to tell her that I want a child. I realize that I still have time but my window is not as wide open as it used to be. She said "You need to relax. You're 28. This isn't a competition, there is no set timeline. I had Jillian when I was 36."

I said "Yes, and she was your last child. I don't want to have my first child at 36 and then feel jipped because I want a second one but as I get older it's more dangerous."

We are losing out on that important experience of spending time together, sharing a bed together, and ultimately sharing a life together. Not just one day a week, but a LIFE.

Honestly though, I don't see that changing. There are too many obstacles. Money, work, children, TIME. There's just never enough of it.